Like a centaur, I'm getting to know my horse bits

The Preak came and went, and I feel a lot less like burying my head in hot horse chips than I did after the Derby.

I think I did ok with my Preakness predictions, though if I had actually bet the race I'd be digging sofas for change to buy a dang apple for dinner. I either got a whisper better talkin horses or any Tom off the street has a good chance to pick a winner in a 12 horse race. I got three horses (including the winner) pegged on the snout in finish position, was off by only 1 on two horses, off by 2 spots on one horse, and- stretching here- off by 3 on another two ponies. In total, my rankings were off by 3 places or less on 8 of 12 hossies. That's not great, but better than last time.

My biggest mistakes were on First Dude- who rolled his hefty self to second place and will be a favorite for the Belmont- and Pleasant Prince, Caracortado, and Yawanna Twist.

Here are the results of the Preakness Stakes 2010, with the ranking I had for the horses in parentheses next to their names. Thanks to fanhouse.com for caring enough to list the complete aftermath- it's surprisingly hard to get a full list of horses on the WWW.

Preakness Stakes Order of Finish
1.Lookin at Lucky (1) Got a clean run and won a race for JB. Too bad he won't be at the Belmont.
2.First Dude (12) People are going to expect big First Douche to make a good run at the Belmont Stakes, and you can expect a lot of dude on dude talk (First Dude vs. Game On Dude), but Ice Box and the hot-hoofed Fly Down are going to smoke the big fella (Fly Down spanked First Dude twice already). As for First Dude being the biggest whiff in my Preakness Predictions, you gotta understand that I have a personal vendetta against this staunchly republican horse.
3.Jackson Bend (2) A heartbreaking nose behind First Dude, Jackson had a head of steam into the finish. Makes me wonder how he would've done on a dry land at the Kentucky Derby's longer track.
4.Yawanna Twist (9) Sho enough snuck up on the pack and closed hard.
5. Dublin (8) Broke weird out of the gate and still managed to beat my prediction.
6. Paddy O'Prado (6) It's ok to be a middling horse when you have a good personality.
7.Caracortado (3) These f-ing California horses. Taco Bell should name a diarrhea-inducing soft shell after him and fill it with rotten sea meat.
8.Super Saver (5) Didn't save enough to close in the home stretch.
9.Schoolyard Dreams (7) Outclassed. Get it?
10. Aikenite (10) Horse racing aficionados like honest horses. Seems like you need to be in the club to know what exactly "honest" means when applied to an equine besides it meaning "truthful," which is a trait I find difficult to gauge in a horse. To me, references to Aikenite as "honest" meant that he would come in 10th. Nailed it.
11.Pleasant Prince (4) Nice guys finish second to last. Still love his name.
12.Northern Giant (11) If it's not mud, he doesn't like his toes in it.

The Socialism of Flash Mobs; Or, How Glee Stole Your Freedom

Have you seen these people, the ones who get together in a public space and perform a seemingly spontaneous dance at the appropriate time? Then, after the music stops, they disband like, “What? This shit happens all the time,”?

Fuck those people. Who do you think you are breaking into song and dance like you’re goddamn Julie Andrews from The Sound of Music? I knew Julie Andrews, and you, sir, are no Julie Andrews.

As far as I can tell, the guiding principles of the flash mob are not that dissimilar to the guiding principles of Fight Club:

1. The first rule is, “Don’t talk about flash mob” – that is, you must pretend the flash mob doesn’t exist. If you watch video for these things, the people are always in different kinds of clothes. They’re just another group of subway passengers. They’re milling around, ostensibly minding their own business.
2. The second rule of flash mob seems to also be, “Don’t talk about flash mob” – after the stupid thing is over and they’ve ejaculated their pop sensibilities all over our unsuspecting faces, they AGAIN PRETEND LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED. As if to say they were the right people at the right time with the right ABBA song in their heart. This, despite the fact that they’re all winded from the effort.

Now, I’m happy to let people have whatever bullshit hobby they want to have, so long as it doesn’t interfere with my life in any way whatsoever. Build your HO-scale model trains and design your personal kitten-video websites and have your anonymous gay sex in truckstop bathrooms. Fine. That’s America. I’ll salute your doing it. But when you start gathering together to march in unison under the same anthem, belting out songs that seem to suggest everything’s fine and we can all let our guard down, I smell a commie.

Because entertaining as a flash mob might be, it – like it’s bastard cousin, the line dance – poses certain dangers to our way of life. The loss of individualism. The replacement of thought with mantra and song. The opioid effect of pageantry on the masses. Folks, I don’t want to be alarmist, but add a few thousand pre-teen Chinese boys with streamers and we’ve got the opening ceremonies of the Beijing Olympics.

Recently, when I was an MFA student there, the propaganda department at Ohio State staged a flash mob to publicize the new student union that had just been completed.

A seemingly disparate group of cheerleaders, OSU employees, and band geeks got together to dance Journey’s epic rock ballad “Don’t Stop Believin’.” It was video-taped from every angle and got national news attention. I’ll let that sink in for a moment. The mind boggles, no? Here are my problems:

1. This is not a joyful explosion of youthful exuberance. It was a marketing ploy. A chance to sell the student body on the importance of working together and the beauty that can be created by putting one’s own goals second. The dance tells us to subjugate ourselves to the whole. Each gyration of the nubile young bodies seems to say, “the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.”
2. The use of the Glee version of Journey’s power pop ballad makes this flash mob – which went full-on viral, by the way – especially egregious. Glee is the national media’s version of the same ideal flash mobbing espouses on the local level. You think we’re not being controlled? Wake up. Every week, we can tune in to see foppish adolescents fighting the evils of high school through song and synchronized dance. And what is high school if not a metaphor for the free-market system of competition?
3. The Glee version of the song is soulless, stripping the last shred of our national spirit from the performance. The classic version, the one with heart and grit and America, was apparently not good enough for Ohio State. What does Broadway actor Lea Michele know about a small-town boy, born and raised in South Detroit? Nothing, I’ll tell you that.
4. See that old man at the end of the video, sashaying with Brutus the Buckeye? That’s Ohio State President E. Gordon Gee, and his appearance is where the deception behind this flash mob falls apart. We see the “mob” for what it is: not a spontaneous gathering of song-and-dance men, but rather a government-approved demonstration of control.

In the final analysis, the problem with the flash mob is that it isn’t a mob at all. There’s nothing more American than a mob: they are unruly and brash, they are reactionary. The Boston Tea Party was a mob. The Zoot Suit Riot was a mob. That’s the kind of America I love. Unreasoning. Violent. Apt to throw a fucking brick. No, the flash mob is nothing of the kind. The flash mob is all planning and timetables. It’s synchronized watches. It’s a Cold War-era military parade. But instead of high-stepping salutes to Khrushchev, we have jazz fingers. Instead of ICBMs, we have the pop and lock.

And that, my friends, is not my America at all.

Get your Preak on

Sadly, this blog's official racehorse, Noble's Promise, is not going to run the Preakness. Yet somehow, I still have a hayfever, because hay is for horses.

Despite my glaring incompetence at betting the ponies, all I can think of is getting my gambling revenge on the Philadelphia Turf Club. This is how they get you, isn't it? Luckily, my unlucky betting has depleted my bank account like a scorned Elin Nordegren, and the Turf Club won't let me make bets without the cold hard stuff. So my revenge will not include giving these slimy rascals more money.

Instead, my revenge will be predicting the Preakness finish of every horse in the field! Then, I'm going to lock down the bets I'd make if I had money. Finally, as a coup de grace, I will tell you the winner of the Belmont Stakes. Except that I'm flipping the script and going coup de grace first: I have it on good authority that the Belmont winner will be: Fly Down. How ya like me now??

The Preakness Prognosis:

1. Lookin at Lucky  Good post position and a dry track, probly break his leg taking a pre-race dump.
2. Jackson Bend  Cost me the farm at the derby, but I was told to stay true to my first love.
3. Caracortado  "Scarface" is the new Super Saver.
4. Pleasant Prince  Milton Bradley award for best name on the field.
5. Super Saver  Mudder likes his hooves wet, his mane clumpy, and his flank on the rail.
6. Paddy O'Prado  I would rather watch Leap Year than this horse.
7. Schoolyard Dreams  Heard he's Dr. Dirt. He farted in Super Saver's face before.
8. Dublin  Has a new jockey on board. Those little men get around, and make little difference.
9. Yawanna Twist  Watch yer ice cream cone if you don't want him licking it. People say this is a sneaky horse. 
10. Aikenite  More honest than Yawanna Twist, he's also the Brad Lidge of Preak-ers. That is, he probably won't close, but he might.
11. Northern Giant  Most mudderly horse in the race, he picked the wrong jewel o' the 3 crown.
12. First Dude  Must lose this race or the Earth will stop spinning. This big dumb brute would be my longshot special if I didn't think Sarah Palin was the Antichrist.

Longshot Special: Pleasant Prince at 20-1 odds.

And here are the bets I'd make if I had a nickel (or $26) to me name:
$2 Wins on Jackson Bend and Lookin at Lucky
$2 Shows on Pleasant Prince and Caracortado
$2 Exacta on Lookin at Lucky and Jackson Bend
$2 Exacta Box on Lookin at Lucky and Super Saver
$1 Trifecta Box on Lookin at Lucky, Jackson Bend and Caracortado
$1 Trifecta Box on Lookin at Lucky, Jackson Bend, and Super Saver

A Ranking of McDonald's Slogans

For my first post to this blog, I thought long and hard about what America is. Obviously, JB believes that baseball and OTB gambling is the answer. My answer? Advertising and fast food.

To that end, and with the goal of staying within the established Noble Turkey leitmotif of listed rankings, I present the top 10 slogans in McDonald's history.

10. "McDonald's is your kind of place" (1967) - A not-so-subliminal suggestion that, as a fat American, you should be with your own kind.

9. "It's a good time for the great taste of McDonald's" (1984) - George Orwell would've been proud of this dystopian slogan:

It gets some bonus points both because it's used in the chorus of the Barenaked Ladies version of "I'm in Love with a McDonald's Girl" and because remember the McDLT?

8. and 7. "You deserve a break today" (1971 and again in 1980) - No, you don't. You're not working hard enough. In fact, if you stopped worrying about how many breaks you deserved, you wouldn't have lost the Steadman account and you would've been promoted to district manager already.

An honorable mention is 1995's "Have you had your break today?" Same idea, this time from the supervisor's point of view.

6. "Do you believe in magic?" (1993) - Thanks to this slogan (and my parents insistence that I only listen to Christian rock during my formative years), I thought McDonald's invented this song. It wasn't until American Pie and a dreamy Chris Klein acapella'd this song into theaters that I realized the error of my ways. That was 1999. I'd lived a lie for six years.

Also, can I ask what the deal is with the fry guy barbershop quartet thing? And why are the fry guys all blue and red instead of golden brown?

5. "Smile" (2002) - One of six slogans released in the first three years of the new millennium. It seems uninspired somehow. But at least they've gotten away from how good the food is. Now it's just positive affirmations.

4. "I'm Lovin' It" & "Me Encanta" (2003) - What can I say? No me gusta. I don't mind a bilingual marketing effort, but printing the Spanish version of "I'm Loving It" on Big Mac boxes in Maine seems a little like bragging how cultured you are because you just passed Senor Brillstein's Spanish 2.

3. "Food Folks & Fun" (1990) - Yes, yes, & nope.

2. "Did somebody say McDonald's?" (1997) - Yeah. You did, just now. Look, man, if you want to go to McDonald's, just say so. Stop with this passive-aggressive, "I can only suggest it if someone else does first," bullshit.

1. "It's Mac tonight" (1985) - Another case of the golden arches appropriating popular music, this time "Mac the Knife":

It's funny how advertising can ingrain itself into your childhood memories. I was six when this creepy ad, featuring a moon-faced spokescharacter orbiting the Earth, premiered, but I still remember it clearly. And while it doesn't hold up as well as I remember, there's something about a constellation of a McNugget dunking into hot mustard and Mac saying, "Big Dipper!" that still moves me on an emotional level.

A fan's guide to interference

Luckily, when the Philadelphia copycat fan ran on the field two days ago and demolished Cole Hamels' focus, the effect wasn't Bartman-esque. Nobody's playoff dreams hinged on the game, and the Phils got the victory in extra innings anyway. However, for a city that claims to have a knowledgeable fanbase, the timing of the outfield jog was ill-conceived (and not just because another loose fan was tased on the previous night). That stunt could've cost the Phils the game.

Philadelphia fans need a refresher course on when it behooves the home team for a fan to interfere with the game. So, I present
A Fan's Guide to Interference.

1) When to run on the field. Just as we saw on Tuesday night's game, a break in the game's rhythm can throw a hot pitcher off. So, if CC Sabathia is mowing down Phillies like so many leaves of grass, it's a good time to take the express train to tase-heaven. Conversely, you NEVER run onto the field when a Phillies pitcher is dealing, especially when it's an easily perturbed hurler like Cole Hamels. Nincompoops.

2) When to battle a fielder for a foul ball. As soon as a fly ball breaks the plane of the spectator's side of the wall dividing the stands from the field, spectators are allowed to catch the ball. So, if A-Rod is trying to catch a Shane Victorino pop-up in foul territory, you should jump up and grab the ball as soon as it breaks that spectator-wall plane. Don't let that jerk push you out of the way; block him with your body and smack his glove (the smack might get you ejected, but it is ok to interfere with a player trying to catch the ball in your spectator space. Just remember not to assault him). If you let A-Rod catch that ball in your house, you just cost your team an out.

Beware, if you reach out and snatch the ball from A-Rod's clutches while it is still in the field of play, the umpire will call interference and award an out. And you'll probably get ejected. No point in that. Better to scream "Like a Virgin!" in A-Rod's face to break his concentration.

On the flip side of this, if A-Rod hits a pop-up in foul territory and Jimmy Rollins ranges over to the wall to catch it, lean back and let Jimmy do his thing. Don't mess with Jimmy or the ball in such a situation and give him room to reach out to make the catch. Catch him if he falls into the stands.

3) When to battle an outfielder for a deep ball at the outfield fence. The same spectator-side wall rules apply to the outfield fence that apply along the side of the field. As soon as the ball enters no-man's-land (the stands), a fan can swipe a ball, or knock it away, from an outfielder's glove. So if Chase Utley drives a ball deep and Jeff Francoeur tries to catch it over the wall, pluck your prize from the air and let Chase round the bags. But if Jayson Werth is trying to make a leaping catch over the wall, keep your hands on your cheesefries.

Interfering with a ball that isn't going to make it over the outfield fence or touching a ball before it clears the fence probably doesn't make sense now that umpires can use instant replay. Close calls are left up to an umpire's judgment, and he might rule contrary to a fan's intention. I think that if you're going to mess with a deep fly ball at the outfield wall, the best bet is to leave it alone until it reaches the spectator-wall plane.

4) When to lean over the rail and touch a ball in play. As soon as a fan reaches down and touches a ball in play, the umpire will call a dead ball and award whatever bases or outs he thinks would've occurred if not for the interference. The ump holds all the aces here, so there isn't much you can do.

There is virtually no reason to touch a ball hit by the Phillies that ends up kicking around the side of the field. The most likely effect will be that the umpire will award the Phillies fewer bases than they could've rounded without your help. The umpire is definitely not going to award bonus bases on account of your helping hand.

On a ball hit by the opposing team, grabbing a ball that rolls in front of the stands can theoretically be helpful, but it requires a fan of quick wits and a scout's knowledge of the other team. There are two scenarios in which it might make sense to grab a ball hit by the other team:

• The player on the opposing team is very fast and isn't close to 2nd base yet, and in your estimation the Phillies can't field the ball in time to prevent a triple. The hope is that the umpire will hold the runner at second base. If you're worried about screwing up, don't try it.
• There is already a runner at 1st base who hasn't reached 2nd base, and in your estimation that player is going to score before the Phillies can field the ball and throw home. The hope is that the umpire tells the lead runner to stay at 3rd base. A risky play for a fan that can get you reviled by the whole stadium.

5) When to throw objects. Come on, man. Never.

Halladay never folds em

Roy Halladay was throwing strikes, but home plate umpire Mike Everitt was too busy trying to hide his Albert Pujols boner to notice:
(from ESPN.com)
"St. Louis had the tying run up with two outs in the fifth after Albert Pujols walked on a close 3-2 pitch to load the bases. Halladay wasn't pleased with the call by plate umpire Mike Everitt. He didn't get another close one on a 2-2 pitch to the next batter, Matt Holliday. But Halladay fanned Holliday on a 79 mph curve to end the inning. On his way to the dugout, Halladay stopped for a brief conversation with Everitt."

The author there is being generous- those two pitches were more than close, they were about the strikey-est strikes ever. But even with the bases juiced, the calls not going his way, and slugger Matt Holliday bearing down on him, Halladay kept his poise and got out of the jam.

Two innings later, Charlie Manual came out to pull Halladay after Doc gave up a two RBI laser to Pujols. Halladay tells Charlie he has this, Charlie goes back into the dugout, the crowd goes nuts, Halladay gets a groundout to end the inning, and the crowd loses they minds.

Watching Halladay pitch is like watching Pedro in his prime- every pitch is a must-see, and you always trust that the guy is going to come up huge. Wow.

One injury note. Looks like Juan Castro re-twak his hamstring and is going to miss some time. Let's hope our third-string shortstop can get it done. Ruiz moved up a spot in the lineup to compensate and went a smoking 3-4 with a double and RBI. Choo-Choo!

King Cole shows up, Uncle Charlie leaves him in too long, Chooch saves the day!

Great win for the Phillies tonight over the 1st place Cardinals. Cole Hamels pitched a long-awaited stellar game, going pitch for pitch with Cardinal's ace Adam Wainwright. I thought that Charlie made a mistake leaving Hamels in to pitch the 9th inning. Hamels is a delicate flower mentally and physically, and he is struggling to regain his 2008 form. You don't leave him in if he's past 100 pitches right now; you don't want to wreck his confidence if he gives up a game because he's tiring. Take him out of the game, let him string together some good starts, and then you can ride him to victories later in the season.

Now, maybe Charlie is thinking he doesn't trust the bullpen in a game like this. I can see that. But I say ya don't trust Cole Hamels in a game like this, either.

At any rate, Cole does end up giving up the tying run in the 9th. It might have been because of the copycat fan who ran on the field while Cole was in mid-pitch, ruining his rhythm and concentration. Thanks, fat dude from the corner.

Still, out of adversity comes opportunity (Ben Franklin), and Lights Out Lidge comes in and hoses down the Cardinal's pants, which happened to be on fire. Setting up the unlikely hero of the night: Carlos Ruiz! Chooch hits a dinger in the 10th, running into the loving arms of his teammates. Good to see the rock of the team shine.

The Phils are going to need performances like this from their few remaining healthy players to stay in first place over the next few months. Because, bad news: J.A. Happ is going to be out until at least June, and Jimmy Rollins will likely be joining him on the shelf over that span. We can only hope Lidge, Blanton and Romero are healed up, and that Placido's elbow doesn't get worse.

Also, how bout that fan getting tasered at the game last night after running on the field? The video (below) shows that he wasn't trying to hurt anyone. I find the tasing a little excessive. You want my opinion, the fat officer who was chasing the young man ran out of breath and reached for the panic button.

It's our constant societal state of fear that gets foolish 17-year-olds tasered. This kid is clearly no terrorist, no outfielder assassin. But awful things have happened at sporting events and now this kind of good old-fashioned carrying-on has become a threat to national security. I hate it, but I kind of see the point in being careful.

Here's a video of the Phillies fan getting tased after he ran onto the field, shot by a fan and posted on youtube:

Ernie Harwell, voice of the Tigers, dies.

We'll miss you Ernie Harwell. He'd stopped calling games by the time I moved to the Detroit area- the first time I heard his voice was on a radio ad for an insurance company, and I instantly fell in love with that guy's silky pipes. Sad day for Tigers fans. The Detroit Free Press has a tribute here.

Wild horses

My Kentucky Derby picks were like the deranged penguin in Werner Herzog's "Encounters at the End of the World." They wandered away to their doom toward a distant mountain. There was no stopping them from it.

People talked about how silky Super Saver runs (Mike Alber, horse savant), how much of a "closer" Ice Box is, how much of a mud machine Paddy O'Prado would be. I wasn't having any of it. Mainly because I can't back a horse named after a coupon newsletter, an anachronistic appliance, or borderline racism. But also because I got no feel for the ponies.

Speaking of people with a real feel for the ponies, I learned this from a trip to the Philadelphia Turf club: horseracing betting dens are not as mahogany, pipe, and Ernest Hemmingway as I thought they'd be. And horse aficionados look a lot more like hepatitis C than C. Gable.

I lost a goat and a monkey, a horse and a flea betting on that darn Jackson Bend. In other words, the farm.

So, here are the results of Kentucky Derby 2010, with the ranking I had for the horses in parentheses next to their names. I only ranked 10 horses, figuring I'd go dec-fecta, so you'll notice that I whiffed Pat Burrell Huge.

1. Super Saver The Daily Racing forum said this hoss was in peak form. Add a nutty Cajun and that's a spicy gumbo.
2. Ice Box (5) The Mariano Rivera of horses. His owner thinks he was the fastest horse in the field but took an unfortunate route to the finish.
3. Paddy O’ Prado Twas the mud made him look fast.
4. Make Music For Me I almost didn't buy my mom a ticket for this horse because I thought he was suck city. But suck city is population: me.
5. Noble’s Promise (2) This blog's official racehorse ran pretty well coming off a lung infection, fading from the lead late. It's Preakness time!
6. Lookin At Lucky (3) As his jockey notes,this horse doesn't like crowds or squirtin muds.
7. Dublin Dublin Shmublin.
8. Stately Victor (9) The closest I got to right.
9. Mission Impazible Booooooooooooooo.
10. Devil May Care (8) This filly is weak like a weak woman. She's no Rachel Alexandra.
11. American Lion (10) A dastardly jerk, like his namesake.
12. Jackson Bend (1) My favorite ran like a rotten turnip.
13. Discreetly Mine (6) The only mildly classy name in the field was in it heading into the stretch, then fell off. He and Jackson Bend didn't have the stamina for this race- they might finish better in the Preakness.
14. Dean’s Kitten
15. Conveyance (7) This horse blew its wad early.
16. Homeboykris
17. Sidney’s Candy
18. Line of David
19. Awesome Act (4) Shoulda known better than to back a Tory in an all-American blog.
20. Backtalk (longshot special) Son of Smarty Jones, my smarting ass.

The Kentucky Courier-Journal has a pretty cool graphic that breaks down the race here.

 To elaborate my abiding foolishness, here is Werner Herzog, interviewed by Aaron Hillis about the deranged penguin:

One of my favorite moments in the film is the lone penguin who inexplicably ventures off alone towards the mountain, perhaps to its death. What do you believe was going through its head?

Well, we do not know because we do not read the mind of penguins. Of course, I do have some sort of question to the penguin scientist whether there's such a thing like derangement or insanity among penguins — and I mean in general, if there's such a thing in animals. That's a different question than, let's say, "March of the Penguins" would pose.
That reminds me of the DVD commentary you recorded for your debut feature, "Signs of Life," on which you criticize chickens for their stupidity. Do you have something against "fluffy penguins" and other flightless birds?
No, but I'm not into the business of [anthropomorphizing] penguins and I'm not into vanilla ice cream sentimentality about wild nature. That's okay; I have no problem with the other films out there that have another view. In fact, my film only has one penguin in it, and "March of the Penguins" is something different. They have been documented enough, I think. I didn't need to make another one. I have no grudge against penguins nor against chickens. [laughs]

Stupefying double plays and chair kickers

 Here's the latest on the Phightin Philadelphia Phillies, while I nurse my Kentucky Derby shame:

1) Roy Halladay is Winston Wolfe. He solves problems.
2) Placido Polanco either doesn't like wearing an elbow pad, doesn't like that his elbow hurts, or doesn't want to prove me wrong about his aged ways.
3) In the craziest game of the season, Ryan Howard came up small with the bases loaded against the Giants this week. Jayson Werth didn't, clearing the sacks with two outs.
4) Ryan Madson kicked a chair and broke his toe. The Phillies now have an entire intensive care ward to themselves: Joe Blanton, J.A. Happ, Ryan Madson, and Jimmy Rollins are on the DL. J.C. Romero looks like he should still be on the DL. Placido Polanco looks like he wants to be on the DL. Carlos Ruiz looks like he doesn't want to be on the DL, but should be. Juan Castro probably shouldn't be on the DL, but has a sore ham. Brad Lidge is a tender shoot, just plucked from the DL. The Phillies are missing some key pieces.
5) The Phillies lineup woke up against the mets today; they'll go back to bed tomorrow against Johan.
**4/2 Update, no they won't.**

6) In a forgettable game, Chase Utley and Juan Castro sparked an unforgettable double play. It blew my mind in super slo-mo, here's it in regular-mo.

Let's hope for a new week empty of any demoralizing trips to the Turf Club.

And teach your children to stay away from the ponies.