Despite my glaring incompetence at betting the ponies, all I can think of is getting my gambling revenge on the Philadelphia Turf Club. This is how they get you, isn't it? Luckily, my unlucky betting has depleted my bank account like a scorned Elin Nordegren, and the Turf Club won't let me make bets without the cold hard stuff. So my revenge will not include giving these slimy rascals more money.
Instead, my revenge will be predicting the Preakness finish of every horse in the field! Then, I'm going to lock down the bets I'd make if I had money. Finally, as a coup de grace, I will tell you the winner of the Belmont Stakes. Except that I'm flipping the script and going coup de grace first: I have it on good authority that the Belmont winner will be: Fly Down. How ya like me now??
The Preakness Prognosis:
- Lookin at Lucky Good post position and a dry track, probly break his leg taking a pre-race dump.
- Jackson Bend Cost me the farm at the derby, but I was told to stay true to my first love.
- Caracortado "Scarface" is the new Super Saver.
- Pleasant Prince Milton Bradley award for best name on the field.
- Super Saver Mudder likes his hooves wet, his mane clumpy, and his flank on the rail.
- Paddy O'Prado I would rather watch Leap Year than this horse.
- Schoolyard Dreams Heard he's Dr. Dirt. He farted in Super Saver's face before.
- Dublin Has a new jockey on board. Those little men get around, and make little difference.
- Yawanna Twist Watch yer ice cream cone if you don't want him licking it. People say this is a sneaky horse.
- Aikenite More honest than Yawanna Twist, he's also the Brad Lidge of Preak-ers. That is, he probably won't close, but he might.
- Northern Giant Most mudderly horse in the race, he picked the wrong jewel o' the 3 crown.
- First Dude Must lose this race or the Earth will stop spinning. This big dumb brute would be my longshot special if I didn't think Sarah Palin was the Antichrist.
$2 Wins on Jackson Bend and Lookin at Lucky
$2 Shows on Pleasant Prince and Caracortado
$2 Exacta on Lookin at Lucky and Jackson Bend
$2 Exacta Box on Lookin at Lucky and Super Saver
$1 Trifecta Box on Lookin at Lucky, Jackson Bend and Caracortado
$1 Trifecta Box on Lookin at Lucky, Jackson Bend, and Super Saver
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You gotta dance with them that brung ya, JB. Super Saver is a Midwestern Champion with the heart of a lion. That's gotta count for something. Otherwise, I watched Sea Biscuit a bunch of times for nothing.
ReplyDeleteI like those bets, though.
so what would you have made, with these bets, considering Looking at Lucky took the Preakness? Have you calculated that shit?
ReplyDeleteI would've only made $13.60 in winnings, I think, which means I would have lost only $12.40 on my bets! That almost sounds like winning to me. If Jackson Bend would've been a nose faster, I probly would have imaginarily made $120!
ReplyDelete